Like Pledge, only nonedible

Posted in Random, Vent on March 7, 2011 by nonediblehuman

Once upon a time there was an Orange, named Lemon, and he was sort of tangy, though mostly only if he didn’t frequently get juiced.

He was at his ripest age, an entire month old from Pick to Buy date.

His skin was orange, but his smell was citrus like.

Lemon hadn’t many friends.

Though, it wasn’t surprising, since his lack of organized structure was off-putting.

All the other oranges were 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32…

They couldn’t figure out why it was that this strange odd little Orange was named lemon.

Even the lemons 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31, and 32 didn’t want to swing from the tree with this little Orange.

Whatever

He died.

Like all damn fruit.

Calling all Customers to Aisle 4

Posted in Story, Zombie on March 6, 2011 by nonediblehuman

Warnings: Zombies, Cannibalism, Boringness

Me and the moon have become fast friends, staying up together all hours of the day. Lending solace and comfort throughout the darkest part of the day, yet I’ve come to understand it as being female. For, every few weeks or so, it disappears for quite a few days, having its own time of the month of sorts. Those few days without it are unquestionably the longest for without its soft glow to illuminate my mind at night I find myself utterly lost.

The streets are empty, having long been deserted by all human survivors. They weren’t too keen on the idea of being someone’s meal and had found ways to mask their stench from being uncovered and hunted. In fact, I’d tracked a male’s scent for over a week as he evaded me by covering his tracks with liquid soap, bleach, vinegar, and then a mad attempt with tomato sauce. Blecgh. All of those items were smell maskers; the tomato sauce was a cruel trick. Looks like blood, taste like horse decrement.

Night so colorless, no dazzling life in any form. Squatting down I peered underneath the car. A small mouse’s skeletal remains were a telling sign of the lack of vitality. Sighing, I stood again. My fellow friend had been stupid in his movements. Overcome by his Green side he’d lost control of his bit of sanity and went careening after the SS and was hacked to pieces and burnt in a round pit. A subtle shudder worked its way over me. It was a message that stuck well in my brain. The SS was off limits.

Ah well. Standing upright, my bones seemed to creak and groan in each their joints. The green had spread from my hands to my arms, starting to creep down my torso. It was time to find someone to eat.

It took me three days but finally I’d tracked the man down, his smell aggravated my nostrils to the point where all I wanted was to go tearing after him. He was wily, knowing exactly how to keep me at bay. Still, I was persistent, determined, and not easily swayed from prey.

I knew he was trying to reach the SS before I got to him, but while he may be smart, he wasn’t just smart enough. He had yet to realize he was being herded in the direction I wanted him to go. Poor bugger, my next meal.

My molars ached, my gums frothed, sending their foaming spittle down my blackened, green face. Finally, oh sweet finality, he never saw me coming.

The eyes were exquisite; how they brightened and then the very essence of their being, the very soul of vitality, bled away as the hand of death wrenched away their existence. The broken neck left his head in a perfect position for me to watch the quintessence pneuma fade right through his eyes. It was almost as sweet as his body would be. Human’s were their most grotesque and yet were paradisiacal to me.

Throwing the body easily over my shoulder, I stole away to my home where I would be safe to eat my meal without fear of being fought for it. It wasn’t a bad journey, though the man was heavy. The reward was too sweet to linger on any unpleasantness, and my mouth’s foam increased as I thought on the sweet dinner I’d have.

~*~

I love Zombies<3

Prompt “Huddle”

Posted in Flash ficlet, Prompt on March 5, 2011 by nonediblehuman

Prompt: “Huddle”
Flash Ficlet. 140 characters or less
words: 24
characters: 135
~()~

Stars cold and distant, a glorifying surreal existentialist sight; on Earth, hot blooded humans scuttle about, huddling onward in their putrid quest for life.

“Tasteless With BBQ Sauce”

Posted in Story, Vent, Zombie on March 3, 2011 by nonediblehuman

Warnings: Gore, Horror, Zombies, Rape(though mentioned not in detail) Pretty pointless but it makes me feel better.

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Crunch. Slurp. Crunch. Slurp.
It was a continuous, aggravating noise, and all I wanted to do was turn and punch the man in the face. His eating habits left much to be desired. Frankly, I was a bit at the end of my rope.

“Could you please eat more quietly?” I grit out, angry and frustrated. How could I enjoy my own meal when he insisted on being so perverse in his own eating?

He merely shrugged in answer, continuing on in making obscene sounds.

Shoving it to the side, I contemplated the pile of bones in front of me. They were still warm, flesh covered, and raw. So deliciously raw. The pungent wafting of the blood was making my mouth salivate. It didn’t need anything else, just fresh was good. Losing myself into the tantalizing smell of my dinner, I went to bite into an arm.

SLUUUUUUUUUURP. Crunch crunch crunch.

Munching away on the bones, slurping the bone marrow from the splintered leg, he had once again interrupted me from my feast. Eyes narrowed I contemplated the removal of his head. Yet, it was more work with less reward, for his decaying corpse wouldn’t taste as good and I’d have not a husk to hunt with.

“Could you please, please maybe, not make so many noises while you are eating?” I ventured a go again, perhaps he’d take more to the nice approach.

His teeth were coated in red, and had bits of flesh stuck here and there as he grinned at me. Shaking my irritation from me, I once more purveyed the mutilation.

The blood was starting to coagulate, globbing unappealingly even to me. Biting into the arm was decadent, the squirt of blood, the tear beneath my teeth of the muscle and tendon. Wrenching back my head, tearing a chunk clean away, I chewed in pleasure. Taking a second, and then third bite I reveled in the feel of life it gave to me.

Inch by slow inch I neatly, and efficiently stripped the bone of skin, tendon, and muscle. The blood was sweet, the marrow though was pure bliss. Hard to get, but worth every bit of effort. Better than blood and flesh, it was like eating pure life, and it tasted just as good. I finished with the arm and moved on to the next one.

I was just again about to bite into the arm.

Sluuuuuuck. Sluuuuck.

That, was depraved. I refused to watch him perversely take his pleasure with his husk’s lower extremities.

This may be our private hell, destiny a sham and fate a shit, but some things you just didn’t stoop to.

The irony struck me terribly then, as all ironic thoughts do.

For, how much worse could eating a fellow human be than to rape a dead body?

It was one of the intrinsically instinctive thoughts all humans had.

Murder is bad.

Rape is bad.

Cannibalism is bad bad bad.

And, yet, here we were.

Thinking these thoughts didn’t put me off of eating, for no matter how repulsive I may have found myself to be now, I wasn’t about to stop being.

Life is about suffering and hating yourself, if you can’t die, there’s obviously a reason you’re meant to survive and agonize.

Re-engaging in eating, I left the face for last. Faces tended to be the dessert of the body, unless of course they were wearing makeup, then it was like eating shit.

I heard him finish, and then go search through her house. He was a much faster eater, though less efficient in not wasting. My meal was filling and my hands were losing their slightly green tinge as I finally made my way down her legs.

Legs were my least favorite. They were always heaviest in fat, girls were onto something with that Cellulite sally mentality. Yet, it was food, and though the flesh was gamey, the blood was fresh and sweet.

A bottle rolled towards me on the floor, he had entered the room while I was pulling strips of skin away and rolling them up to chew.

I grabbed the bottle and turned it over.

Jack Daniels Barbeque Sauce?

“It’ll help with the fat,” was all he said.

~*~

Cheers. Because when life gets you down, Zombies are amazing.

Even beginnings end something

Posted in Uncategorized on March 3, 2011 by nonediblehuman

Have you ever met a NON edible human before? NO!? Well, let me tell you, I am the one and the only as such that I’ve seen so far. Frankly, I’m sure that if you ate me, I’d be bitter, repulsive, and tough. The sort of meat on a beast you’d seen lying dead on the street for a few weeks. I must say, I find myself curious as to how any think that such as I do not exist. Let me tell you, the thought of being eaten… **DIES**

It’s a horrid, grimace worthy ponder. So, I tend to make it clear I was never intended to be eaten. Seasonings or not, gosh darn it. I am Menu-free.

*

So. Today, I was suffering from a terrible heart sickness in the form of left over heartbreak from losing a USB with over 400pages of written literature on it, all my own. Because of this. I decided to post a continuous stream of blogging horror story. So. In short advance, the first will be titled “Tasteless with BBQ Sauce.”